The Daily Mailbag

The life of the medium-dollar political donor is littered with junk mail. Not rich enough to write one big check that maxes out the legal limit (and likely comes with a photo op), I continue to get barraged by mailers daily from the RNC and Senator McCain. With each one, I have a little less respect for "the Party of ideas" and the man who rides the "StraightTalk Express."

Letter 1 today is a request for a "Two Month Emergency Campaign Pledge" for McCain Victory '08 through the RNC. It includes the normal fare of bold letters, over-capitalization, and underlining that warns of dire consequences if "Big Labor" and billionaire liberals keep pumping dollars into the political arena unchecked. Under the fake signature, there is a lengthy P.S. that explains that "the next 60 days will make-or-break the Republican Party" and apparently my $100 is the key to making it.

Letter 2 is an "Air Gram" (that is political-speak for really, really important bulk mail) that has been "rushed" to me "via AirGram because the seriousness" of what the Senator has to tell me "could not wait." This one wants more than a measly $100, though. I need to max out my legal giving or at least give $575 more. They've even included a stamp. (I enjoy these type the best. I probably have received a book of stamps all tolled this year alone. Some letters even include a genuine dollar bill sent in the hopes I will send it back with lots of new friends.)

Letter 3 is one of the most common and most nauseating forms of mailer: the fake survey. My "Registration Number" is "52.07.3365" and comes from the Republican Senatorial Committee. There is even a fake hand stamp so that I know this is serious. They want to know my response to important, unbiased questions like "Do you agree with liberal Democrats who want to repeal and reverse President Bush's tax cuts?" and "Do you support efforts to give government control of your healthcare costs and choices?"

It is vitally important that I answer these probing questions for, you see, "Your Survey is REGISTERED IN YOUR NAME ONLY and MUST BE ACCOUNTED FOR" (for accuracy please underline the all of the CAPITALIZED material . . . Blogspot just is not fully equipped for such serious messaging). Without me, Senator John Ensign "won't know how you and other grassroots Republicans stand on key issues facing our nation" so I need to complete the survey and enclose my check of "$500 . . . or even $25" today. If I can't send $25 and I choose to neglect the "huge responsibility" associated with the Survey, I should send "$11 to help cover the cost of tabulating and redistributing my Survey" lest the scientific value of the sample be negated. (Apparently, it costs $11 to throw something into a trash can at the RNC headquarters.) No need for a stamp here, they have supplied a "Business Reply Mail" envelope marked "Survey Enclosed: Process Immediately."

With so much riding on me, I need to finish up this blog entry quickly.

The scary thing is that these techniques would not be used unless they worked. Perhaps the RNC should go all the way and hire "Reverend" Robert Tilton. I bet an anointed prayer cloth could bring in even more money than an IMPORTANT SURVEY, and now that Brother Bob is out of jail again perhaps he could share his tips on "How to Pay Your Bills Supernaturally" with the Republicans who are so worried about Big Labor outspending them.

Of course it's not just the Republicans, I've gotten similar letters from the ACLU and Planned Parenthood. (Apparently, in the world of direct mail list sales, caring for the environment and human rights is an indicator that I also will want to "stop the Religious Right" and "defend a woman's right to choose.")

Jesus said, "Let your 'yes' be 'yes,' and your 'no,' 'no'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one." Apparently the evil one is getting a lot of work across political lines these days (and let us not forget the overblown charity mailers either). I just can't wait to see what the postman brings tomorrow.